[Heading in Ch. 1]

12. In Which Loved Ones are Forgiven


“Tilt your head back,” Clow whispered into my ear. I complied and felt the water
run through my hair as he poured it gently through the length. Nimble fingers
ran through baby-fine tendrils as I closed my eyes, the steam wafting up to my
nose as I felt his hands slowly run across my skin. I shuddered slightly.

“You’re not still mad at me, are you?” Clow asked, his breath catching. I said
nothing for a moment as thoughts drifted through my mind and I felt deft hands
set in for a gentle massage.

“A little, but you seem to prefer me as some sort of wraith with no ideals of my
own,” I said, leaning into his touch.

“That’s not what I want...” Clow said and I could almost imagine the all-knowing
look upon his face as he began to launch into another lecture. I stopped him and
turned around, pressing lightly against his chest.

“Stop. Just stop. This has always been about you. Your Cards. Your guardians.
Your staff. Your rules. I’ve listened to you, loved and adored you and all you
have done is hurt me. I couldn’t stop loving you now if I tried, but I ask you-
for just once- to think about someone besides yourself,” I said and stood up,
the hot water draining off my body as I stepped out of the tub, leaving a
speechless Clow behind me as I began toweling myself off. I continued, “You can
hit me, starve me of power, make me remain in the book for centuries, or order
me to break every mirror in the house- but it won’t change anything, Clow. Like
you said, nothing changed. It still is all about you.” I laughed bitterly, “The
-great- magician.”

Standing up, I could feel his presence near me as I slipped into the white
leggings and then pulled on the remainder of my outfit. I left the long robes
and hair ties on the table as I finally turned and faced my Master.

“Well?” I said. His silence was almost unbearable as he stared at me and I could
feel tears well up in my eyes. “Is this good-bye?”

Clow said nothing and picked up his precious cards from the table. His hands
shook as he dug through the nearest drawer and pulled out a wad of money, the
gold clinking softly as he slid it into the pockets of his uniform.

“I’m sorry, Yue. I’m sorry for ever thinking that a spirit like you could ever
be tamed,” he whispered eventually as he headed for the door, his back to me.
“Perhaps a Master and a guardian can know no love, and I shall have to find love
in another place.”

With those final words he was gone and I broke down and cried, sitting at the
doorsteps and feeling pain at the fact that he could find love with others,
while I needed and could love only him.

-`-

“Yue?” a voice asked softly and I turned to the small tawny lion sitting by the
door next to me, a mournful look upon his face.

“Emm?” I asked, crossing my arms against my chest. I felt broken in more places
than possible. As if something inside me had been forcefully severed. I had hurt
him. I had hurt the great Clow. Not with weapons... but with words.

“When did Clow say he was coming back, again?” Keroberos queried as he placed
his head in my lap. I scratched his ears until he whined and I remembered how
long my nails were and stopped.

“I don’t know,” I said softly. “He’s never left us before.”

“Yue?” the lion repeated and I sighed.

“Mm?” I said, expecting the question to be echoed once more.

“He loves you,” Keroberos said, nuzzling me softly. “He loves you more than he
knows or realizes. He’ll come back to us. Master loves us, and you forgive the
ones you love.”

-`-

I hovered next to the cherry tree as its blossoms dipped lazily through the air
and landed in whirlwinds upon soft spring grass. My eyes were transfixed upon a
different springtime miracle however, and I shivered as I watched the stars with
a devotion I had never had before. The stars. The stars. Which star was his
star?

“Clow, I’m lost,” I whispered to no one as I stared upwards, the night sky was a
cloudless one (except for a puffy gathering that hovered over the my symbol) and
I gazed at one constellation and then another, indecisive. “Which star is your
star?”

No one answered and I bit my lip. Had I expected an answer?

Then, from nowhere came soft footsteps and I closed my eyes as I felt familiar
arms wrap around me. I sighed and breathed deeply, a spicy aroma floating up to
my nostrils as I opened my eyes slowly.

“That one is my star,” my Master said softly and slowly guided my hand. He
pointed with my finger to a small glowing object in the heavens and I felt a
tear drip down my cheek.

“I’m lost, Master. I couldn’t find your star,” I whispered, feeling like a child
as I stared helplessly once again at the sky. There was no giving in to him, it
was merely a declaration of a fact. The words were not humble or meek- they were
mine.

“I’m lost, guardian. I cannot find your moon,” he replied, kissing my hair
softly as he removed his spectacles and searched the sky. I reached upwards and
tugged at his ponytale, stroking the hair adoringly as I leaned against him to
assure myself that he truly was there. I pointed upwards to where the clouds
obscured the moon and tilted my face slightly away from his- confused.

“Did you find the love you were looking for?” I asked quietly my words betraying
my hope that he had been alone.

“I thought I did, but then I realized that someone else had my heart,” he said
slowly. “I am a selfish man, Yue.”

“I love you and I forgive the one I love,” I echoed Keroberos’s words as I
tugged at the dark fabric of his clothes, my hands sliding against the smooth
material as I sighed deeply against his chest.

“Is there room to begin again, Yue?” Clow replied, his voice soft as he stared
up at the night sky and caught a petal as it drifted down from the cherry tree
beside us.

I nodded, my pale face glowing slightly as I felt the moonlight drawn towards my
form. I shivered slightly and leaned against his warmth. “Anything further?” he
prodded.

“I’ll never love anyone else but you,” I declared.

“I’m sure you think that you won’t,” Clow replied softly, a mysterious aura
surrounding him as he stroked my hair softly. “But that may not always be so.”
He kissed me softly and in that moment he was truly Master, Parent, Lover and
Friend. He was all. And, you forgive the ones you love.
-End Ch. 12-