18. In Which the Clow Book is Attributed to Sakura and the Past Returns to Yue Warning: This chapter contains dark material. You have been warned. So much time had passed and her power was ebbing. The Clow Book sighed in pain, her bindings creaking as she gasped and took a breath. Surrounding her were the cards... almost all had been changed to Sakura Cards... the new threads of magic no longer tapping into the resources of an ancient power. Now, they fed from Sakura... Her Master... her Master had faced so many challenges and she could feel the growing power flickering through her pages. The sorcerer. He who she had once called Master in another life and another time was there... with the Mistress. The Clow Book sighed in confusion. The Clow Cards... Dark and Light were still drawing power from Clow and slowly their magic ebbed away as they fought to draw from an unknown source. The Clow bit her lip as she moved to shuffle once more through empty pages... the cards were with Sakura but they still moved through her. All the magic still moved through her. The battle... the conquest as Yue raged with his inner self and then silence... and in the pages- the magic of Sakura’s star stirred. Dark and Light had been transformed. -`- I sighed and sank to the ground, clutching the dirt with my hands. So pale in contrast to my skin. Looking up, I stared at the darkening sky and listened to the stirring of the city. He was gone. My Master was gone. No... “I loved you,” I whispered and for the first time in centuries... I cried. The tears coursed down my face like they had when I had been touched and manipulated by Clow’s love and for the first time I realized what I was. “Are we going to live like this forever?” I demanded. “Are we?” Kero looked stricken in his larger form, a wise look reining on his face as an ear twitched. Sakura looked confused as she hugged onto Tomoyo. Li was stirring and Touya had already stood now, unsteady and leaning against a tree. “I...” the words wouldn’t come and I screamed at the magic, pulling my wings to me. They wouldn’t come and I stared, looking at Sakura. “Don’t fly away Yue... I won’t let you run,” she intoned. “I love you. You and Yukito-san are my dearest friends and I want it to stay that way... whatever pain you have... share it?” I said nothing, retreating into my icy mask as I stared at the girl. I had given her so much and she had given so much in return... I had gone with her and given my power. Though, secretly... “I hoped that you would fail!” I yelled, my anger and pain catching them all in surprise. Icy barriers fell as I roared, magic snapping around me. I gestured wildly, a diamond barrage leaving my fists and snapping into a tree. Tomoyo jumped in shock. “I wanted to be trapped in your staff! I wanted sleep!” I yelled, sinking to my knees. I was unable to move. My pain surrounded my and I fought against it... failing as it moved through me. “I hate this! I loved him so much! You can’t understand!” Touya paused and tilted his head. He moved as if to comfort and failed, falling as well. The spell had drained him, as well as my outburst . “You loved him a lot didn’t you...” Sakura intoned. “He was my life. Creator, Master, and Father...” I said. I curled on the gorund in a fetal position. I could feel the shock radiated around me. When had they seen the Moon Angel as anything but a perfect icy figure? I felt the Mistress move and tracked her by her magic. A barrier rose around my by my own creation as I howled in my pain. How could he do this to me? How could he leave? I wanted to be with him! How dare he come back! “Why didn’t he take me back? How could he fall for the vain fluttering of an ebony butterfly?” I cried. Sakura moved my shield aside easily and I marveled at her power. I could feel Touya beside her and Tomoyo and Kero as well. They beat at my shields until they disappeared and I was enveloped by their warmth. “How could he do this to me?” I whispered. “I think that Clow always knew that he was destined to die Yue,” Sakura said softly against my ear. I felt her grip my hand tight and I latched onto her. Touya curled his arm around my waist possessively. “I’m not Yukito...” I said. “I know,” he replied. “I loved him. The pain is inside me like I’m drawn to him; like I crave his power, his love and his acceptance. I know nothing else.” “Love is pain sometimes because often times and other times it is joy. I don’t think that Eriol is Clow... merely a shadow of Clow. I remember when I was little I would see the spirits of the dead return to earth and they oftentimes had unfinished business to do. I think that Eriol is simply doing Clow’s unfinished business Yue... Clow is gone and he loved you. What you have to do is hold onto the memories of that love- both the good and bad. As long as you have the memories no one can touch you.” “I... I need someone...” I whispered. “I’m here for you Yue... Yuki. I know you’re one. Since I saw you, I could see you as one being simply broken into two parts. I don’t know how that happened, but I love you both and I can’t promise to never leave you. I simply offer love.” “How can anyone understand this pain? I alone share it,” I snapped. “Why don’t you offer to share it with us then?” Sakura whispered. The Return hovered in her hand and the Illusion in the other. I looked at them temptingly and then my face turned to fear. “I can’t see it again... I can’t...” “RETURN and Illusion! Bring the past to the future!” Sakura cried and then I felt blackness envelope me and the sheer power of Sakura’s heart filled me. “I want to be your friend...” No, go away! I hate the memories! Disappear! “Check again,” Keroberos demanded. “Maybe he isn’t really dead.” No... how can you do this! “Stop. Just stop. This has always been about you. Your Cards. Your guardians. Your staff. Your rules. I’ve listened to you, loved and adored you and all you have done is hurt me. I couldn’t stop loving you now if I tried, but I ask you- for just once- to think about someone besides yourself,” I said and stood up, the hot water draining off my body as I stepped out of the tub, leaving a speechless Clow behind me as I began toweling myself off. I continued, “You can hit me, starve me of power, make me remain in the book for centuries, or order me to break every mirror in the house- but it won’t change anything, Clow. Like you said, nothing changed. It still is all about you.” I laughed bitterly, “The -great- magician.” “Love comes in many different forms Yue,” Clow whispered as he sat down beside me. “And, it takes time to grow. All that I said was true- I love both you and Keroberos more than anything. Perhaps I love you both for different things, but nonetheless, I find spending time with both of you a thing dear to my heart.” Blackness. It stopped and there was stillness. The world seemed to stop and I refused to move. Touya curled around my waist and I could feel Sakura-chan beside me. Tomoyo hugged her tight and Li stood beside her, unsure of his place among the strange situation. Keroberos nuzzled at my hand. “Master, I request dismissal,” I whispered and waited. Sakura nodded slowly, too overwhelmed by the experience to do anything but. So, I headed home. My wings still refused to open, so I walked tiredly through the streets of Tomoeda. The mall district was the only way and I passed through it gaining many strange looks. Who wouldn’t be confused? A fey man with cat-like eyes and odd clothes walking through the night-life with an endless snake of hair trailing after him. Yukito’s home. As it had always been. Repairs from the Teddy Bear attack still scarring it’s surface. I looked upwards and watched the moon and stars... both hidden by clouds and pondered it’s meaning. Clow... do you do this on purpose? Send me to a Master that would force nothing to be secret or sacred between them. Now they know and now... how can I face them? Stepping upwards, I found Yukito’s key hidden under a mat and let myself in. Sandles shushed against the wooden floor as I was met with a mirror on the foyer. That was it. The answer. The quiet. My heart ached and I could no longer bear it... I could feel it exploding from me as if a wolf burried inside my heart... fighting to get out. “I order you to break that mirror.” “Yes Master,” I said bitterly, confusion resting on my face as I stared at my own reflection. How could I ever deny you? BANG! The mirror smashed as my hand tore through it, the gem on my glove ripping off as the fabric was torn. I felt the wall connect with my fist as blood dripped slowly down my palm- shards embedding themselves within my skin. Here it goes. I picked up a piece and held it to the light with another bitter smile. Is this what you wanted Clow? For me to end up a used slave... a creature of pain and anguish. How could you even comprehend the love I have for you? How could you understand the love I feel? “You bind me to you and then expect my love to snap like a wire...” I whispered. I felt the blade cut into my skin and gasped at the feeling. The pain was exquisite for a moment, a biting pain that ripped into my skin. It was intoxicating as I felt my control fall. The rivers trailed down my arms as I buried my hands in the glass. Die. Cut. Destroy. End the pain. [Coward.] [You should be protecting the Master.] [How can I protect the Master when I cannot even protect myself?] [Live. Learn. Until the book is destroyed, Yue, you will always live, because your life is tied to the book.] [You lie!] [Your own conscience can’t lie... only tell the truth.] [End it all then. I can’t bear it.] [The promise!] [Tell Touya... then.. that I’m sorry for Yukito.]