Title: Tell me that I'm Real Author: Tabris_17th (aka Celtling) Fandom: Card Captor Sakura Pairing: Touya x Yukito Rating: PG Warnings: *** SPOILERS for Yukito's true nature! *** Other than that, no warnings except perhaps for excessive sap ^_- Feedback: Is always adored Thanks to: All the ppl on the ccsyaoi list, who are just cool ^_^ There is a sequel planned, when I have time to write it! Disclaimer: I don't own nuffin'... oh you've heard it all before. Tell me that I'm Real ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Tsukishiro Yukito sat at his desk and stared out the window. Outside, the wind ruffled the leaves of the newly-green trees, and the sun spilled in warmly through the glass pane. It was a lovely day, but Yukito couldn't appreciate it, and not just because he was stuck in history class. Somehow, everything seemed a little less bright lately, colours dull and muted. No, that isn't it, he thought pensively, as he pressed his pen against his lip. It wasn't the world that had faded, it was himself. The knowledge of what he was - and wasn't - had put a distance between him and the rest of the world. I'm not... I'm not even... Even mentally, he couldn't say it, couldn't think it. If he acknowledged the thought, he lost all sense of self. And for the moment, that was all he had, though it was little enough. Not that it was real, not that any of it was real. "Yuki? Yuki!" The hissed whisper that came from beside him broke through his introspection, and his attention returned to the confines of the classroom, to Touya's worried face. Once he had caught Yukito's eyes, Touya flicked his glance to the front of the room, and Yukito suddenly realised that the teacher was repeating his name. "Tsukishiro-kun?" "Yes, Sir! I'm very sorry, Sir, could you please repeat the question?" Yukito brushed away a few grey strands which had fallen over his forehead, and hurriedly tried to find the right place in his textbook. Fortunately, he was asked a question he'd already studied; he answered unhesitatingly, and the teacher moved on to the next student with no further comments. But he caught the concerned look that Touya threw him. He gave his friend a reassuring smile - smiles came so easily to him, an he wondered for an instant whether that had been deliberate - and then he tore his gaze away from the brown eyes that stared at him so intently, and buried his nose in his textbook. But behind the lenses of his glasses, behind the gentle amber eyes, his thoughts continued to chase themselves around in circles, an unending spiral, heading inexorably downwards. I'm not even... I'm not even real. He managed to avoid Touya for the rest of the school day. It wasn't difficult, since Touya had soccer practice during lunchtime, and Yukito was asked to assist one of the teachers during their free period. It was only after school, as he walked slowly towards the bike shed that Touya caught up with him, slightly out of breath, as if he had been rushing. "Yuki! Wait up!" He turned to smile over his shoulder. It was so easy. "Ok, To-ya." Touya caught him and fell into step beside him, shortening his stride slightly to match Yukito's. "You all right, Yuki?" "I'm fine, thanks. Why do you ask?" "You weren't paying attention in class. That isn't like you." Yukito shrugged slightly as they reached their bikes, unfastening the chain and mounting. "I was just thinking," he said evasively, unwilling to lie. Touya jumped on his own bike, and they headed out of the gates, but thankfully he didn't ask what Yukito had been thinking about. "You sure you're feeling ok? Not sleepy or anything?" It hadn't been so long ago that Yukito had been falling asleep in class, on the floor, even standing up against a tree. He thought he'd just been tired, perhaps coming down with a virus of some kind, but the problem went far deeper than that. "Really, I'm feeling fine, not sleepy at all." Again he smiled, the sunny expression seeming to soothe Touya more than the words themselves. "If you say so, Yuki. Hey, you want to come over and study tonight?" Yukito paused for a moment, letting the bike coast down the road without pedalling, and Touya drew ahead a little. He didn't really feel like studying tonight, and he was in two minds about Touya's company. A part of him craved it, but another part of him, a small, dark part, felt almost burned by Touya's presence, a constant guilty reminder of what Touya had given up, for him. But if he said no, then Touya would know immediately that there was something wrong. Yukito had never refused an invitation before. So he nodded as he pedalled to catch up. "Sure!" They passed the corner where he usually turned off and kept going towards the Kinamoto residence, down the street lined with cherry-blossom trees, though they were not currently in their famous pink and white bloom. They were shivering with new, red foliage, and the blue-white sky sparked between their branches. It's such a lovely world, he thought. I wish... I wish that... But he wished for the impossible, and he knew it. What he wanted, not even Clow Read himself could have given him. It shouldn't matter, he told himself sternly. He had a purpose, to protect Sakura, and that was enough reason for him to exist. It was a good a reason as anyone else had, right? But it wasn't enough, not really. He felt empty and alone, an irony, considering that he was _never_ alone, not even in his own head. Are you listening, Yue? I know you share my life, as I cannot share yours. He pedalled a little harder, realising he was falling behind again, as he brooded. Am I giving you a headache with all these silly thoughts, Yue? He allowed himself a small chuckle at the thought. He couldn't wish Yue ill, since Yue was, after all, a part of himself. No, he corrected, Yue is the true you. Yukito is only the false form, the mask. Lost in contemplation of his existence, he failed to notice how close he was riding to the gutter. He felt a sudden jolt as the handlebars twisted in his grasp, and with split-second realisation, he understood that his wheel had caught on the edge of a drain. Then he didn't have any more time for thought as the bike skidded sideways, and tossed him onto the road. He landed sprawled and dazed, with one elbow burning. The next thing he registered was a terrified cry of, "Yuki!!!" A fraction of a second later came the screech of tyres, as a car skidded to a halt only inches from his prone form. The bumper bar was so close he could reach up an touch it, he thought disassociatedly, before the relevance of this thought kicked in and he was suddenly shaking, and feeling a very strong urge to pass out. He heard the slam of a car door, and worried voices muttering. He wanted to get up and apologise for causing all this trouble, but he couldn't remember the words, or how to make his limbs work. Fortunately, he didn't have to, as he felt himself lifted into a sitting position, with a strong arm around his shoulders. "Yuki! Yuki!! Are you all right?? Yuki!!!" "Yes... yes, I'm fine, thankyou," he replied automatically, and he heard a sigh of relief from beside him, and another mutter work its way around the assembled watchers. "To-ya?" He blinked, staring up into the extremely worried face of his friend. "God, Yuki, you just took ten years off my life," Touya said, with a small smile, though he seemed very pale and his eyes were dark. "Can you walk? We need to get off the road." He wasn't entirely sure that his legs would hold him up, right now. "I... I don't know. To-ya, I'm sorry, I--" His apology was cut short as Touya took his stuttered hesitation as a negative, and solved the problem by simply scooping him up and lifting him into the air. "Oh..." Was all Yukito could manage. He'd found himself unexpectedly in Touya's arms before, waking up after Yue had taken control of him with his memory a blank, feeling dizzy and weak. But he couldn't ever recall having being carried. Part of him was embarrassed, that he needed to be helped like this, but most of him was simply savouring the feeling of being held against Touya's chest. Both Touya and Yukito knew what they meant to each other, their bond mutual and unspoken, but neither of them had acted upon it yet. No more had passed between them than the occasional brush of fingertips against exposed skin, or arm draped in apparent carelessness around the other's shoulders, the gestures speaking loudly in the silence. Yukito hadn't been able to get past his shyness to do anything more, and Touya seemed strangely reluctant to proceed, though Yukito was certain the desire was there. He didn't know what it was that held Touya back. But he didn't have any more time to ponder it, as he found himself set down carefully upon the park bench. He made a small mew of protestation as the warmth disappeared, and immediately, an arm slipped around his shoulders again. He pressed against Touya's side, welcoming the shelter offered. "Are you all right?" His dazed mind registered that Touya was touching him, hands running over him firmly but gently, and though he didn't object, he couldn't figure out why until fingers ran down his arm and he hissed suddenly in pain. He objected to that, that stung! Touya was checking him for injuries, he realised, since he hadn't responded to the question. "Your arm, Yuki, there's blood..." "I think I scraped my elbow on the ground." That would certainly explain the burning he felt, anyhow. "Can you lift your arm up for me, wiggle your fingers?" Yukito did so, anything for Touya, and apart from the sting of cloth rubbing on his scrape, there didn't seem to be any underlying damage. "Not broken then," Touya said, sounding relieved. "Does it hurt anywhere else?" Yukito started to shake his head, and then stopped, frowning slightly. "Yuki?" There was something missing, something wrong. Everything was slightly blurry. With dismay, he realised, "To-ya, I lost my glasses!" For some reason Touya stared at him as if he'd lost his wits, and then suddenly laughed out loud and engulfed him in a hug. "Oh, Yuki!" It was warm and comforting, and he wished that they weren't sitting in the middle of a park where anyone could see, and that they could stay like this for a very long time. But of course, they couldn't. "Hey, Mister, we brought your glasses." "And your bikes, too." He was quickly released, though a hand stayed cupped over his shoulder, ensuring he remained sitting upright. Yukito half-turned to peer towards the voices. Although he couldn't make out the details, he recognised the primary school uniform, and smiled gratefully as one of the pair pressed his glasses into his hand. "Thankyou!" "That's ok!" The kids grinned cheerfully and scampered off, having better things to do than gawk, now it was obvious that they were unlikely to see anything gruesome. Yukito stared down at the pair of glasses with surprise. "They're not broken... not even scratched!" He set them back upon his nose, and suddenly he felt more like himself. Clow wore glasses, too. The thought came unbidden. Clow wore glasses? He hadn't known that. Was that why he had been created short-sighted? "Do you think you can walk now?" Touya asked, interrupting his straying train of thought. "We should get you home, so that I can clean up that graze." Yukito nodded, getting gingerly to his feet and brushing off the gravel that clung to his trousers. He was shaken more than hurt, but he took a deep breath to calm himself, and then headed over to pick his bike up off the grass. He contemplated riding only for a moment, before deciding that it was probably safer to walk the rest of the way. It wasn't far, anyhow. "Sure you're ok, Yuki?" Yukito nodded, finding a smile returning automatically, and he still couldn't decide whether to thank Clow or curse him, for making it so easy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ He should have guessed that Sakura would know that something wasn't quite right with one of her Guardians. She was waiting on the doorstep, and when she saw the two boys walking their bikes down the street, she flew out to meet them at the front gate. "What happened?" She asked anxiously, almost bouncing upon her toes in agitation. She quickly homed in on Yukito's ruined sleeve, expression dismayed. "Yukito-san, you're hurt!" Yukito smiled reassuringly. "Just a little scrape, Sakura-chan." "He fell off his bike. Wasn't watching where he was going." Touya added in response to her first question, and gave Yukito a long look over his shoulder. Yukito had the grace to flush ever so slightly under the gaze, knowing that Touya's disapproval only sprung from his concern. He hadn't meant to make anybody worry, really. "It was an accident," he murmured, leaning his bike against the inside of the garden wall. Touya followed with his, and Yukito had to sidestep slightly to avoid brushing against him. Touya was still watching him, unsettling him. But Sakura provided him with a convenient excuse to escape from under the watchful eyes as she herded him into the house. He heard Touya snapping his chain-lock into place as the door swung shut behind him. Sakura led him up the stairs to the bathroom. "I'll fix you up in no time!" She declared, manoeuvring him to sit upon the edge of the tub. Slightly bemused, he let her fuss over him, examining his torn sleeve with small, gentle fingers. "Ohhhh, what a mess," she said, making sympathetic sounds. "It will need some antiseptic--" "Oi, I'll take over now, monster." Touya's voice interrupted from the open doorway, and both looked up, startled. To Yukito's surprise, Sakura didn't protest or even respond to the taunt. Instead, she flashed him a cheeky grin. He blinked from behind his glasses, wondering what she was up to now. But she just smoothed out her smile into one of good-natured acceptance before turning around and ducking past her brother. "Take good care of him, Niisan!" Her voice floated after her as she sped down the hallway at her usual breakneck pace. Touya simply grunted in response and knelt down upon the bathroom tiles, sitting back upon his heels. It put Touya's head at Yukito's chest-level, and he found himself staring down at his friend from this unusual perspective curiously. He had the strangest urge to reach out and touch the dark strands of hair that crowned Touya's head, as Touya did so often to him. But he didn't dare. "Well, show me," Touya said, somewhat impatiently. Yukito started again, realising he had been staring. He couldn't seem to keep his mind on anything, today. "Sorry." Obligingly, he held out his arm again and Touya turned it over carefully, examining it with hands more firm, but no less gentle than Sakura's. Yukito craned his neck in an attempt to see the damage; the scrape seemed to run from his elbow halfway down the back edge of his forearm, and his sleeve was in tatters. "Blazer off," Touya said shortly, and then, without waiting for assistance or acknowledgment, he slid his hand beneath the collar and slipped it from Yukito's shoulder. Yukito blinked in surprise, but held himself still and let Touya tend to him, merely watching with his never-wavering gaze. More carefully, Touya drew the blazer from his injured arm, and set it in a pile on the floor. "Shirt, too." That caused Yukito to pause for just a moment, but from the look on Touya's face, he didn't see anything unusual in the request. Well, Yukito reminded himself, they'd changed in front of each other countless times before, after all. So he began working at his tie, wincing slightly as bending his elbow set it stinging again. "Here, I'll do it." Touya brushed his fumbling hands aside, and quickly worked the knot loose, drawing the loop over his head. Was there a fraction of a hesitation before Touya returned to work his way down the column of buttons to his belt? Yukito blinked again, and decided it must have just been his imagination. Touya didn't appear in the least flustered, working efficiently until the shirt was completely open at the front and he could tug the tails loose from Yukito's schoolpants. The shirt went to the same pile as his blazer and tie, and he found himself sitting half-naked upon the edge of the bath. Touya had turned away to rattle through the cupboard in search of supplies, giving him the opportunity to stare down at his own pale, slim form thoughtfully. He'd never really taken note of his body before. He supposed he'd taken it for granted - everybody had one, after all. It had been something of a shock to find out that his had been made, not born, but it had explained a great many things, as well. It also left him feeling... empty. Everything about him had been carefully constructed to Clow's specifications, even down to his memories. That thought had caused him to despair at first; after all, what gave somebody identity, except the sum of their memories? Touya had assured him that every memory since they had met had been real - which was a small comfort, amidst his confusion. But that brought him to an even more important point. Touya was real. He wasn't. Didn't Touya deserve something better than a construct? "Yuki?" His attention was recaptured and he peered up to find Touya watching him worriedly. "Are you sure you're all right?" Nod and smile, as always, though he didn't feel all right at all. "I'm fine, thankyou To-ya... it hardly hurts, now." His arm didn't, at least. Touya gave him an uncertain look, but didn't press the issue. "Well, this is gonna sting like the blazes, so feel free to yell and curse at me all you like, ok?" Yukito chuckled softly, knowing that Touya was teasing him. It was his nature to be restrained to the point of repression, and he could no more swear or yell than he could fly to the moon. His alter-ego, however... The smile faded as his thoughts again came to rest on his true form, Yue. Fortunately, Touya's attention was focussed upon the bottle he was currently trying to tip without spilling everywhere, so he didn't seem to notice. And then Yukito's attention was dragged rather insistently back to reality, as Touya began to dab antiseptic along the edges of the scrape. For once, he really wished he could swear. "Ow...!" He gasped, wrinkling his nose. "I warned you... hold still, Yuki... there, finished." Touya tossed the cotton ball into the sink. Yukito inspected the results, and found that it looked even worse now with the orange smudges of antiseptic left around the scrape, but at least it was clean and unlikely to get infected. Touya, meanwhile, had cut a rectangle of gauze and proceeded to tape it down the length of Yukito's arm. "Thankyou, To-ya," Yukito smiled more genuinely, the corners of his eyes crinkling. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "No problem, Yuki. All done." Touya smoothed down the tape neatly, and then ran his hands up Yukito's bare arms to rest upon his shoulders. Yukito dropped his gaze in surprise, thinking that the hands would move again immediately - but they remained there, strong and warm against the coolness of his skin. One thumb caressed his collarbone ever so slightly, setting something inside him fluttering nervously, and then stilled again. When the hands didn't move away after a few moments, he snuck a glance back up. Touya was staring at him, his gaze bright, almost seeming to see _through_ him with its intensity. Touya's lips were slightly parted, and for a split second of wonder and terror, Yukito thought Touya might lean forwards and kiss him. But Touya made no move towards him, he simply remained as if frozen, staring. Yukito wasn't sure whether he was relieved or disappointed; in either case, he was certainly unsettled, flushing pink beneath Touya's scrutiny. What do you see, when you look at me? Yukito wondered. Do you see me, Yukito? Or do you see Yue, hiding behind his mask? The second thought was disturbing enough, but it wasn't the worst he had come up with. Or maybe... is it just the guardian that you see? A creature not even truly alive, something simply animated by magic...? He shivered at the thought, and that seemed to break whatever spell had taken hold of his friend. Touya drew his hands away as if burnt, fisting them at his sides, looking almost guilty. Yukito, however, felt the loss of the touch keenly. "You're cold. I should get you something to wear..." Touya turned away from him and clambered to his feet. "To-ya...?" Yukito asked, bewildered, but Touya had already left the room. What had just happened here? Slowly, he stood, gathered up his clothing, and trailed Touya into his bedroom. Touya was dragging various articles of clothing from the depths of his wardrobe. He jumped as he turned to find Yukito standing behind him. "Yuki, don't _do_ that!" "Sorry, To-ya," Yukito replied miserably, wondering if he could get anything right lately. Touya thrust the handful of shirt towards him, without quite meeting his gaze. "Here, put this on." Yukito took it, but remained where he was, twisting the garment between his hands anxiously. "I'm sorry for all this trouble. Perhaps I should go home...?" Touya finally looked at him directly. "Don't be silly, Yuki, you're always welcome here." Yukito must have looked unconvinced, because Touya reached for his shoulder, his usual means of reassurance. He pulled up short at the last second, however, seeming to remember that Yukito was still shirtless. Instead, he ruffled grey hair gently, with a genuine smile. "Come on, put your shirt on. If Sakura catches you like this, she'll be 'hanyaaaning' into next week." Yukito blushed at Touya's teasing, covering it by quickly pulling the shirt over his head. The collar caught on the corner of his glasses and tilted them precariously, but didn't quite manage to tip them from his nose. Touya laughed at him outright this time, and set them back on straight, only deepening Yukito's blush. "Thankyou, To-ya." And he hoped that his friend knew it was for much more than simply straightening his glasses. The evening meal was taken with its usual portions of lighthearted fun and amusement. Touya teased Sakura mercilessly, who in turn kicked him under the table. Fujitaka questioned the siblings on their day to distract them, which sent Sakura into a prattled account of the many trials and tribulations of primary school. Yukito spent the first course trying to keep his sleeves from trailing in his food; Touya's shirt was too big for him and the cuffs kept slipping down over his hands. Finally, in frustration, he simply rolled them up to his elbows. Touya seemed to be watching him in bemusement, though he didn't comment out loud. Yukito didn't mind. At least Touya wasn't avoiding looking at him any more. "What have you done to yourself, Yukito-kun?" Fujitaka asked, noting his arm. "Fell off his bike," Touya answered before he had a chance to speak, for the second time that day. Yukito fiddled with his rice. "It was an accident. It's just a small scrape, and Touya patched it up for me." "You should be more careful, Yukito-kun!" Fujitaka chided gently. "We wouldn't want anything to happen to you." Yukito looked up in surprise, and for a split second, it wasn't Touya's father he saw sitting there. It was someone with darker hair, much longer, the glasses smaller and rounder. He shook his head in confusion, and the image was gone, leaving simply Fujitaka looking at him with concern. "Yes, Sir, I will!" He said, embarrassed at the attention, but somehow pleased. He'd always observed the closeness of the Kinamoto family with a kind of envy, though he was grateful that they allowed him to hover so close to the edges of their warmth. It must be nice to be a part of something like that, he thought wistfully. A family. After the meal was over and they'd made short work of the dishes, Touya took him back upstairs to study. The tension that had sprung up between them in the bathroom had faded somewhat, lost in the comfort of a familiar routine and each others' presences, like worn but warm clothing. Touya was quickly immersed into his textbook, but Yukito found it difficult to concentrate. For once in his life study seemed meaningless; what did it matter, if his grades were good or bad? Who was there to care? His only purpose for existing was to guard his Mistress, Sakura. Anything else was just idle fancy. He was relieved when Touya decided to call it an early night and get some sleep. Yukito changed slowly into the old t-shirt and pair of tracksuit pants that he kept at Touya's house while his friend was in the bathroom brushing his teeth. "Your turn," Touya announced as he wandered back down the corridor. Yukito nodded and made for the doorway at the same time that Touya came through it; as they passed Yukito caught the peppermint scent of toothpaste, and the back of his hand brushed against Touya's arm. Touya jerked away as though stung, and Yukito only narrowly missed bumping into the wall as he skittered in the opposite direction. Yukito mumbled an apology and continued on his way, grateful that Touya couldn't see the blush that dusted his cheeks. That seemed to be happening a lot lately, he thought, though he couldn't figure out why. They'd never been uncomfortable with such contact before. When he returned, Touya was stretched out beneath the covers in his bed, hands laced behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. The main light was already off, though the bedside lamp still cast a soft glow over the room. Yukito took off his glasses and set them down beside his mattress on the floor, then slipped beneath the blankets, curling up on his side. "Ok to turn the light off?" "Yes, To-ya. Goodnight." "Night, Yuki." A small click, and the room was plunged into darkness. It took Yukito's eyes a few minutes to adjust, but eventually the details of the room became clear again, illuminated in the faint wash of moonlight. He was tired, but not sleepy. Somehow he doubted sleep would come to claim him any time soon. The thoughts that had been plaguing him all day continued to whirl around in his head, no matter how hard he tried to silence them. In days past, he'd loved the nights he was invited to sleep over at Touya's. They'd often stayed up until the early hours of the morning, talking about inconsequential things. But lately, they hadn't seemed to speak as much as they once had. He hadn't meant for it to be like that, but he'd been tired for so long. Then, after his true nature had been revealed and Touya had given up his abilities and energy for him, the situation had been reversed. Now, it seemed as though it was a topic that they both skirted around, in addition to each other. It was so hard to know what Touya was thinking. When he'd looked at him so intently in the bathroom, Yukito was sure that he'd seen something in his eyes... but Touya had said nothing. Yukito turned over to his other side with a soft sigh. "Yuki, what is it?" The voice came from the darkness, startling him. He thought Touya would already be asleep by now. "What is what...?" Yukito replied, confused. "What is it that's bothering you?" Touya's voice was calm, obviously trying to coax him into being reasonable rather than frighten him by demanding answers. "What do you mean? I'm fine, To-ya!" Yukito replied, just a little too brightly. He had never been any good at disguising his feelings, and in the dark he couldn't hide behind his smile. So he wasn't surprised when Touya would have none of it. "You were out of it in class, you fell off your bike, you keep looking at me like... I dunno! There's something wrong." There was silence for a few moments as Yukito tried to formulate some kind of response, but Touya hadn't finished. "You know you can always talk to me about anything, don't you, Yuki?" Yukito was suddenly glad that Touya couldn't see him in the darkness. The concern and kindness in his friend's voice nearly undid him. He took a deep breath, trying to keep his voice steady. "I'm sorry to have made you worry. I'll be more careful, I promise." He heard Touya's frustrated sigh, and winced. The last thing he wanted to do was make Touya unhappy, and yet that seemed to be all he'd managed to do, all day. "It's not that, Yuki. I'm just worried about you... I want to help, if you'll let me." "I'm sorry, To-ya..." Yukito's voice sounded small and pathetic to his own ears, the words part apology and part plea not to press him further. The silence dragged on, seeming to weigh down on him unbearably. He wished that he could tell Touya what had upset him, but he couldn't bring himself to burden his friend any further with his worries. Just when he was about to break and say something, anything to end the silence, Touya spoke. "It's ok. Try to sleep, Yuki. Things'll look better in the morning." Yukito closed his eyes tightly, determined not to cry. He appreciated Touya's concern, but he knew that tomorrow wouldn't be any different - he'd wake up no more real than he was today. He'd never be anything more than he was. He pressed the back of his hand against his mouth as a small sob escaped him. He'd give anything to be real, to be what Touya deserved-- And then, even though he thought there'd be no way he'd sleep tonight, he found his head becoming muzzy, and everything faded to black. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Touya mentally sighed. He'd hoped Yuki might open up to him in the darkness, but it looked like he still wasn't ready to unburden himself. Oh, Yuki. Why can't you trust me, let me share whatever it is that you fear? Touya would have done anything to take the hurt look from Yukito's eyes that he had seen today. Watching Yuki so obviously unhappy was more painful than anything that could be done to him. But he just didn't know what to do. Yukito seemed to be holding him at a distance, and he didn't feel right pressing the younger boy. He had to wait until Yuki trusted him enough to make the first move himself. But waiting was growing more frustrating by the day. He'd almost lost it in the bathroom today, he recalled with chagrin. He found his thoughts drifting, remembering the way Yuki had looked, sitting there shirtless, blinking down at him with such sweet innocence, as if he didn't realise just how much of an effect the sight was having on him. Touya almost groaned. Think about something else! You can't afford to be thinking things like that, he told himself severely. And then a small sound came from beside him, like a child crying. "Yuki?" He sat up quickly, staring down at his friend's bed. Or at least, the bed in which he had last seen his friend lying. For Yukito was no longer in his room. Instead, there was a large, feathery cocoon hovering above the floor, emitting a soft, radial glow; a preternatural breeze swept through the room, and then the feathers drew apart. "Yue..." Touya breathed. Even though he was familiar with Yukito's Guardian form, it never ceased to stun him when he saw the change. Whiteness, like the moonlight that streamed in through his windowpane, struck him first. Whiteness of the linen folded tightly about his body, tucked at his waist, the remainder flapping loose in the whirls of air caused by the transformation. Whiteness of the wings arching from his back, feathers ruffled by the currents settled into place with an arrogant shift of his shoulders. His skin was so pale, Touya thought, like fine porcelain. He wondered if it would be as smooth under his fingertips as it looked. Or his hair... such long, silken, snowy hair that trailed behind him, pooling at his feet. Feet that didn't quite touch the ground. The effect itself was startling; made even more so because it was his sweet and gentle friend that became this unearthly, ethereal creature. Or was it that this creature became his friend? Although he knew that they were one and the same, he had difficulty reconciling one with the other. The difference was in their eyes. The creature before him had eyes of silvery- violet with slitted pupils like a cat; watchful, but more than anything: cold. While Yukito's were always so caring and warm. It was that cool, focussed gaze that was fixed on him now, setting the hairs on the back of his neck prickling. "Yue," Touya stated more firmly this time, pleased that his voice came out with a confidence he didn't feel. "Touya," Yue responded with a very slight incline of his head, in greeting. And then there was silence, as both regarded the other, unsmiling. "Is everything all right?" Touya asked, finally. Yue arched an eyebrow. "Is that your way of asking why I am here?" Touya scowled slightly and crossed his arms over his chest defensively. "Well, I don't know what I'm supposed to think, when you suddenly appear in my bedroom in the middle of the night..." The corner of Yue's mouth tweaked up, though his smile, like everything else about him, was cool and enigmatic. "I came to talk to you about Yukito." Touya's demeanour immediately shifted. If Yue could shed some light on whatever was worrying his friend, then his presence was more than welcome, after all. "What about Yuki? Do you know what's bothering him?" Yue simply stared at him, causing Touya to shift uncomfortably. What was Yue thinking? Did Yue blame him for not understanding what was troubling his friend? But he'd tried, every way he knew how, he'd tried. "You care about him?" Touya was thrown by Yue's abrupt change of track and replied hotly, without tempering his answer. "Of course I care about him! How can you ask that, after what I gave up, for him?" Touya's eyes narrowed. "For you." It was Yue's turn to remain silent for a moment, as if gathering his composure, the only sound the slight rustle of feathers as the Guardian re-settled his wings. And then he nodded, as if Touya had passed some kind of test. "He is fretting, because he doesn't believe that he is real." "What!? What are you talking about? Of course he's real!" "Do you truly believe that?" Yue asked casually, apparently indifferent to the answer. "He is, after all, only a false form, a disguise." "How dare you...!" Magical guardian creature or not, Touya was a heartbeat away from lunging forwards and thumping him for even asking such a question. Fortunately, Yue forestalled him by holding up a hand and shaking his head, causing the tail of his hair to snake about his ankles. "There's no need for that; we are in agreement." His glance flowed down to Touya's still-clenched fist and back up again, without altering his implacable expression. "I did not mean to anger you, merely to ascertain whether you had any doubts on the matter. I am pleased that you do not." Touya's fury subsided, though he didn't relax, still maintaining his wary posture. Yue baffled him, seeming to change moods and tactics like quicksilver, while Yukito was always so very straightforward and honest. "I know he's real. Every minute he's spent with me, he's been real, no matter what he was before that." Touya's tone was challenging, daring Yue to disagree with him. The Guardian closed his eyes; his white, frayed-silk lashes pressed against his cheek. When he opened them again, he nodded, as if having come to some conclusion. "You know that, but Yukito is the one who needs to believe it." "Why wouldn't he? I don't get it..." Touya's anger melted into frustration at his own lack of comprehension. It seemed so simple to him - Yukito had feelings, memories, he was warm to the touch. He was real. What did it matter how he came into existence, or why? "How many times has it been said that he is merely the false form of the Guardian? How many times in his presence?" Touya tried to recall. He knew he'd heard the phrase more than once himself; and he was sure it was something Yukito had said when he'd been putting the pieces together for himself. How had Yukito known? "Damn... I didn't realise..." He muttered, mostly to himself. He should have found a way to shield Yuki from the knowledge, or at the very least, taken steps to prevent him obsessing over it. Touya looked up sharply as something else occurred to him. "Wait a minute... you said you agreed with me. You don't think he's just a fake form?" Yue's expression was still serene, unreadable, his nod barely discernable. "Both Yukito and myself were created by Clow for a purpose; mine companionship, and later to judge, his to mask my presence. Neither purpose is more or less valid than the other. Though he is named the 'false' form, he is no more or less real than I am. We are reflections of one another. We each have our own personalities, memories, and beliefs; but we are merely different facets of the same jewel." It was the longest speech he'd ever heard Yue make, and it took Touya a few moments to absorb. A jewel, he thought. How appropriate. Though Yue was cold and hard like diamond, Yukito as warm and rich as ruby, both sparkled with something that seemed to attract people to them, most not even realising why. Touya already knew he was lost in Yukito's spell. And Yue had just confirmed what he already believed; Yukito was real, as real as Yue. He wasn't just a trace of magic left over from a dead wizard's work, or a mask with no life of his own. If Yue said it, surely Yukito would believe it? His thoughts took another turn. "Why is it that you believe you're real, but Yuki doesn't?" Yue looked pleased suddenly, though Touya couldn't fathom why. Unless Yue had been waiting for him to ask... or waiting for an opportunity to explain? "Clow created me to be self-aware from the very beginning. I have always known I existed. But I didn't really believe I was a person..." Yue fixed Touya with a look so brilliant and intense that it froze him in place, emphasising the importance of what he was about to say, "... until somebody loved me." It was as if a window had suddenly been opened, with all the sights, sounds and scents of the outside world suddenly swirling into his mind. He could see the parallels of the past and present layed out before him. How he knew, Touya couldn't say, but he knew. He imagined Clow running the backs of his knuckles so tenderly along Yue's fine cheekbones. He could see himself, earlier today, tracing a thumb along Yukito's collarbone. It seemed so simple. That was all it took? But that was so easy! "Do you understand?" Yue continued to hover in the middle of his room, staring at him with silver-bright eyes. But somehow, the gaze was no longer threatening, or cold. A smile spread across Touya's face. "Yeah, I get it." "Good. My task here is completed." Great wings unfurled from Yue's back, and then swept slowly forwards. "Wait a minute...!" Touya held out a hand to stall the Guardian's departure. "Yue, why did you come here to tell me this?" The wings paused in their closure, but Yue only smiled enigmatically. Touya realised that whatever reasons the Guardian had, he was unlikely to divulge them. "What if Yukito asks?" Touya insisted. Yue blinked once, as if the idea hadn't occurred to him. "If Yukito asks, tell him... tell him that he was giving me a headache, with all his silly thoughts." Despite the scolding words, the tone was the softest and most affectionate Touya had ever heard it. Touya didn't entirely understand, but he knew one thing for certain - he and the Guardian were on the same side. "Thanks, Yue." Another nod to set silken hair fluttering, and the wings began to sweep closed again. "Yue, why don't you tell him all this, yourself?" Yue raised his eyebrows faintly, as if yet again Touya had surprised him. "Perhaps one day, I will. But for now, I'll leave it to you." Finally Yue was hidden from view as the wings were closed completely, the glowing nimbus surrounding them as before. And then the light dimmed, faded, leaving only his friend standing in the middle of the room looking slightly dazed, his hair sticking out messily and tracksuit pants almost slipping off one narrow hip. It was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen in his entire life. "Welcome back," Touya smiled. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Yukito blinked, trying to kick-start his brain into gear. He felt as though he was wading through mental murky water, trying to find the elusive explanation for the fact that he was standing in Touya's bedroom in the middle of the night, without remembering a thing that had just happened. "Welcome back," Touya's warm voice greeted him. And then the pieces all fell into place with a mental click. Yue. He must have been Yue. He blinked again, peering about himself in confusion; everything was slightly fuzzy without his glasses, and it was quite dark, with no light save that of the moon. "Oh! Did something happen? Is everything all right?" As Yukito's mind registered his current state, worry took hold of him. Yue only seemed to appear when there was trouble, in order to guard his Mistress. Touya shook his head, smiling. "Nothing happened... everything's fine, I promise." Yukito sighed with relief. It was then that his dazed mind finally caught up with the fact that Touya was standing in front of him, wearing nothing but his boxers and the oddest look upon his face. Immediately, he dropped his gaze to his toes. "To-ya....?" Yukito asked uncertainly, fearing it was likely he was blushing quite obviously again. In reply, Touya stepped forwards and wrapped his arms around him. Yukito decided that he must still be dreaming; peculiar things like this happened in dreams. Although even in his dreams, Touya had never hugged him for no reason, in only his boxers. He stood stiffly for a few moments, not understanding why it was happening. And then he decided that if he was dreaming, he might as well enjoy it, and melted against Touya's chest. Touya's arms were strong around his shoulders; he felt safe, comforted, wanted. Tentatively, he slipped his own around Touya's waist, his palms settling into the hollow of Touya's back. His head rested against Touya's shoulder, the warmth of smooth skin beneath his cheek. This close he was even aware of Touya's scent, faintly musky. Yukito closed his eyes, losing himself in the rise and fall of Touya's slow, even breathing. Nobody was here to see them, this time. Perhaps they could stay this way forever - or at least, until he woke up. And then, as abruptly as the embrace had begun, it ended, as Touya drew away from him, expression serious. "Yuki, we need to talk." Yukito frowned slightly in confusion. That wasn't supposed to be part of the dream. The next part was supposed to be where Touya kissed him, wasn't it? Touya must have noticed his dazed look, because he reached out to give Yukito's shoulder a gentle shake. "Oi, you with me here, Yuki?" And with the more mundane touch, he realised he was indeed awake, as he had first supposed. Awake, but quite thoroughly confused. "I'm ok... To-ya, what's going on?" "We need to talk." Touya reiterated. "Yes, but... in the middle of the night?" He checked the clock on the bedside table, it was a little past midnight. "What better time!" Touya declared. He seemed enthused, and while Yukito was glad his friend was happy, it was all a little overwhelming in his currently dazed state. "All right, then... just let me find my glasses..." He fumbled about for them, pleased to find that they were still where he'd left them. After all, he had no idea what had happened here, while he was out. Despite Touya's assurances, it worried him a little, in the darker part of his mind that he tried his best to ignore. What had happened here, between Touya and Yue? When he straightened again, he found that Touya had taken a seat upon his own bed. Still wearing nothing but his boxers, Yukito noted. While he knew that Touya never slept in anything more, Touya was usually up and dressed before Yukito even awoke, which meant that the sight was still unfamiliar. And quite unsettling, he decided, as his eyes were drawn to the broad expanse of Touya's bare chest, that he'd so recently been cradled against. "Yuki?" He jumped slightly, jerking his attention back to the current situation. Where was he supposed to be, again? He looked from Touya's bed to his own, not quite knowing where best to position himself for this discussion. That problem was solved when Touya patted the blanket beside him in clear invitation. Gingerly, Yukito sat down on the end of Touya's bed, folding his legs to sit cross-legged, hands resting upon his thighs. He wondered who was to begin; he had a thousand questions, but wasn't sure which to ask first. On the other hand, it was obvious that Touya also had something of importance to ask him. He waited patiently, and it wasn't too long in coming. "Yuki, whatever made you think that you weren't real?" Touya's voice was affectionately amused. Yukito gaped at his friend in shock. Of all the things that he'd expected Touya to come out with, that wasn't one of them. How had Touya known his most secret fear? And then he dropped his eyes in humiliation as he registered the amusement in the tone, that in his rawness sounded almost mocking. There was a sudden smacking noise, and he sneaked a look through locks of grey to observe Touya sporting a palmprint on his forehead. "I'm an idiot... that wasn't supposed to come out like that. I'm sorry, Yuki. Let me try again?" When it became clear that Yukito was still too surprised or embarrassed to reply, head remaining firmly bowed, Touya forged ahead regardless. This time his voice was softer, and sympathetic. "Yuki, the reason you've been so troubled, is it because you were afraid that you weren't real?" He still refused to look up, feeling Touya's eyes burning into the top of his head, but he gave a very small nod. Touya already seemed to know what was going on in his head, so there was no point denying it. There was nowhere left for him to hide. It had to have been Yue, he decided, spilling his secrets like sand through his fingers. "Why did you think that, Yuki?" Yukito shrugged, his voice barely audible. "You know what I am. I'm a false form... I was only made to hide Yue until the next Master was ready to be judged, that's all." "Oh, Yuki..." The genuine hurt that he heard in Touya's tone made him look up finally, wide-eyed. Was Touya hurting... for him? "To-ya...?" Touya sighed faintly. "I wish you'd told me. I would have squashed that silly idea before it had a chance to get so stuck up here." He tapped a finger against Yukito's temple, and Yukito blinked. "You're real Yuki... you don't need to doubt it." Yukito looked at his friend helplessly. How much he wanted to believe that... but this once, he just couldn't. It was easy for Touya to say it - perhaps even believe it - but it was different for Touya. He'd been born into a loving family, and for all his strange insights, had always been human. Yukito had none of those things. Even if Touya saw him as real, it didn't mean that he was. A warm hand suddenly came to rest over the top of his own and he stared down at it in surprise. Touya's skin was more tanned than his own, his hand larger, making his small fingers look almost fragile. "I understand. And I figured you wouldn't believe me..." "I'm sorry, To-ya," Yukito whispered, dismayed. He didn't want Touya to think that he didn't trust him, because he did. About everything but this. "...which is why I'm glad I have someone on my side who has more authority on these things." Touya grinned at him. Yukito's brows furrowed. "What...?" What was Touya talking about? "I had a little chat with Yue." "Oh..." Yukito said faintly, a mixture of emotions swirling inside him. The idea of Yue and Touya having a conversation filled him with trepidation; after all, it seemed that Yue knew everything he was thinking, every hidden fear and desire. He was also, Yukito forced himself to admit, a little jealous. He felt excluded, though he knew that it wasn't Touya's intention to make him feel that way. He didn't know whether that went for Yue as well - Yukito knew so little about him, his motivations and intentions. But Touya seemed oblivious to his fretting, continuing on. "What Yue said, in a nutshell, is this: you - both of you - are real. Neither of you are more or less real than the other. You were both created for a reason, and even if yours was to mask him, that doesn't mean you aren't your own person!" Yukito sat unmoving, stunned, as he slowly took the words in. His worst fear, that he'd barely even admitted to himself, was that Yue would resent his presence and one day denounce him. To hear Touya tell him that Yue was actually validating his existence instead was difficult for him to comprehend. He must have looked as thunderstruck as he felt, because he felt Touya's fingers curl around his hand and give it a reassuring squeeze. "He believes you're real, Yuki. That's gotta count for something, don't you think?" "I... I don't..." It was all a bit much at once. To try and turn his thinking around a hundred and eighty degrees, even with Yue's assurance, was still not an easy task. He felt as though he was adrift in a sea of confusion and amazement. But Touya's hand was tight around his, giving him an anchor. "Yue also said that even though he knew he existed, it was still hard for him to believe he was real." Touya paused, and Yukito waited expectantly, sensing that there was more. "Until somebody loved him." Loved... Yue? Grey eyebrows rose. That wasn't an idea that had crossed his mind, even in his musings. Yet again he was reminded how precious little he knew about Yue's former life. Yue had been loved... "Who?" "Clow. Clow loved Yue. He was his creator, after all, and he loved Yue like any parent loves a child. But I think Clow loved him as something more than that, too." It was a revelation for Yukito, and yet as Touya said it, there was a faint recognition, familiarity to it. "Clow loved Yue..." He knew the words were right when he spoke them, and Touya was nodding, encouraging him with a gentle smile. "I'm sure he loved Yue as much as I love you." Yukito was still so caught up in the idea of his true form and his creator, that it took a moment to register the meaning of the words. Had Touya just said...? He hadn't thought it was possible to be more stunned than he had been over the last few minutes. But apparently he was wrong. "I love you, Yuki. I loved you the first day I met you, and every day I love you more. If Yue became real when Clow loved him, then you've been real ever since I first saw you standing there, smiling so sweetly that I would have given anything to see you smile that way, at me." There was so much Yukito wanted to say, but he couldn't get the words past his throat. His vision suddenly became blurry, and he pulled off his glasses to drag the back of his hand across his eyes to try and clear them. It didn't help for long though, the tears welling again immediately. And then he threw himself against Touya with such force that his chin crashed into Touya's shoulder, jolting them both. But Touya didn't seem to mind, he simply shifted to settle Yukito more comfortably, and then wrapped him up tightly in his arms. The tears spilt over, Yukito unable to prevent them falling. He'd been so worried that now his fears were dispelled, he was left with nothing but overwhelming relief. Add to that the declaration that Touya had just spoken, and he felt as if this must be a dream. It couldn't possibly be real. But it was. He was. He couldn't hold back the sobs. "Silly Yuki. No matter what anybody else thinks, you'll always be real to me." The words were murmured, and he could feel Touya's cheek pressed against the top of his head. One of Touya's hands had settled in hair at the back of his neck, stroking idly. Yukito was almost unbearably happy. The tears wouldn't be checked. Touya continued to hold him and murmur words of comfort, and it didn't even matter that half of them didn't make sense. All that mattered was that he was safe, and loved. Maybe they really could stay like this forever. "Yuki, you're dripping down my chest," Touya said eventually, when Yukito's crying had somewhat abated. His voice was gentle, full of patient amusement. "I don't mind, but it kinda tickles..." Yukito drew back with a gasp that was halfway between a sob and a laugh. "Sorry, To-ya!" "Hey, gotta make myself useful somehow. Even if it is just to sit around and be dripped on," Touya teased, but his expression was so open and caring that it warmed Yukito down to his toes. Yukito smiled, noting absently that his face was still wet. He reached up to scrub at it, only to be prevented as Touya's fingers encircled his wrist. Yukito blinked in surprise, but Touya simply reached out to gently wipe the tears from Yukito's cheeks with his thumb. "Thankyou, To-ya." Yukito said shyly. Touya just grinned. "It's ok. I figure a dose of salt is probably good for me, I'm sure I don't get enough minerals in my diet." It took Yukito a moment to realise that Touya was still teasing him, and he poked him in the shoulder. "Not for that! I meant, for believing in me... and loving me." Yukito watched Touya through his eyelashes, still hesitant. Though he'd felt this way for so long, and had somehow known - or at least, hoped - that Touya felt the same, having it out in the open between them was all very new and different. It would take some getting used to. Touya ruffled his hair in response. "You're very easy to love, Yuki." Yukito tried to smile and blush at the same time, and then, to his complete and utter mortification, he yawned. "I'm sorry! I guess I'm a little sleepy..." "It's ok. Been kinda an eventful night, huh? Sleep'll do us both good, and we can talk more tomorrow." Touya paused, suddenly looking uncomfortable, and Yukito peered at him curiously, wondering what was the matter. "Do you want to sleep in my bed, tonight?" Touya finally muttered. Yukito flushed crimson. "Uh... well... you see--" "I didn't mean for that!" Touya interrupted, looking vaguely pink himself. "I just wanted to sleep beside you, that's all! I promise." There was a moment of awkwardness, and then Yukito nodded. "I'd like that." The relief was so evident on Touya's face that Yukito nearly giggled. Silly To- ya! Why would Touya think that he wouldn't want to? Touya shifted over to one side and held the blankets up, and Yukito slipped beneath. He wasn't quite sure how to arrange himself, but Touya, as ever, made things as easy and unthreatening as possible by simply stretching out on his back. Yukito curled up at his side, his head resting on Touya's shoulder. Touya's arm curved around his shoulders loosely, keeping him close. Yukito sighed happily. It was perfect. "Night, Yuki." "Goodnight, To-ya. I love you." Yukito liked the way Touya's heartbeat sped up when he said that. He could hear it thudding solidly beneath his ear. With a smile to himself, he snuggled a little closer, and closed his tired eyes. It wasn't long before he'd drifted off into hazy pleasantness, and finally sleep came to claim him. He relaxed and let it take him. Touya loved him, and miracles had wings. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Touya Kinamoto stared up at the ceiling of his bedroom. Curled up at his side, his head resting on Touya's shoulder, lay his best friend, sleeping soundly. Yukito's breathing was slow and even, and Touya held himself carefully still, so as not to disturb him. He knew how draining constant worrying could be, and Yukito needed some uninterrupted rest. But inside, he was elated. Yukito believed that he was real, and had confessed his love. Perhaps most importantly of all, however, Yukito felt confident enough to believe that Touya loved him. It was more than he'd dared to hope for, with Yuki's fragile sense of self. But he'd had a little help on that count. "I owe you one, Yue," he whispered into Yukito's ear. Yukito didn't respond, but shifted slightly in his sleep, making himself more comfortable. One arm was flung across Touya's chest, and somehow Yukito's knee had crept up and seemed to be resting across his thighs. Touya's body, of course, responded to this in a fairly predictable way, and not being able to do anything about it was a delicious sort of torment. It's gonna be a long night, Touya mused. But I'm going to savour every moment. Owari!