Wound of Farewell
by Morgan D.

Card Captor Sakura and its characters belong to CLAMP and Kodansha. I'm here just to make a mess of their story.
Sequel to "A Guardian's Heart" (you should read it first in order to understand this one); the action is staged during the events of episode 70 of the anime and volume 12 of the manga.
Tons of spoilers, Shounen Ai.

Glossary:
Baito - short for "arubaito", from German: Arbeit. Work, part-time job.
Oishii - nice, good, tasty (technically only applicable for food, but it's Yukito we're talking about ^_~)
Tenpura - tempura (duh!)
Sontsu howanyun - fried fish and legumes (Chinese culinary)

~*~

Prologue
The Edibility of the Hippopotamuses

Solid blackness exploded into reddish golden clouds inflamed by the furious sunset, and To-ya's dark blue eyes. "I promise," Yukito said. "Yukito will..."

He hesitated. Why would he speak of himself in the third person? So he amended, "We..."

We?

We who?

His heart throbbed in his ears. Inexplicably, Yukito wanted to cry. "I will remember."

And just as he mused that there was nothing there to remember, To-ya jumped loose in the air, letting go of everything that kept him stable and safe, to fall trustingly into his arms and on his lips.

To-ya.

Kissed.

Him.

More shocking than that was the realization that he had been waiting, hoping, praying for To-ya to kiss him like that, just like that, for... how long? His whole life? How could he have wanted something so desperately and not even know about it?

Yukito never thought about asking anything from his best friend, except that he treat Sakura-chan more gently. There was no way to list everything To-ya had given him -- the strength to live on, just to mention the top item -- and Yukito embraced all those precious gifts with a gratitude beyond words, and a slightly mortifying sense of being unworthy. But that wasn't the reason why he never asked anything. He simply didn't want anything more than being there next to the Kinomoto siblings, beside To-ya's warm, bright presence.

Or so he had imagined until the moment their mouths met. All of a sudden his whole being seemed to plead and sob and breathe in a way he thought impossible, and so unbearably shameful. As To-ya's lips captured his and large cool hands touched his burning cheeks, Yukito dived into an unprecedented typhoon of need and terror, the gusts of wind piercing his ears with a frantic song, don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me... He raised his hands to the only anchor that could save him from being hurled out of the universe, and sheltered To-ya in his longing arms and wings.

Wings?

Wings. Enormous snowy wings glowing shyly around To-ya's slender body, silvery feathers shivering under the breeze, holding on to a treasure he was sure he didn't deserve. Wings that felt disturbingly real, as tangible muscular limbs coming from his back, sensitive to temperature and touch. Wings that felt familiar, comfortable, and very, very right.

Yukito opened his lips to To-ya's loving kiss, shuddering at the salty strife of their tongues, slowly realizing that he was kissing back. He, who had never kissed anyone before, was playing with To-ya's mouth so easily, so eagerly, so unafraid of doing it wrong and making friend laugh at his inability. A soft moan of delight, and To-ya's fingers entwined in his hair, palms pressing his ears...

And something shattered inside him.

He had done something wrong, something awful, horrible, unforgivable. Not to To-ya, but to someone... someone... Yukito couldn't see any face, couldn't remember any name. A tall, dark silhouette floated in his mind, wrapping him in a powerful vibrant aura, raising a gentle hand to touch his left ear, presenting him with an azure pulsing gem that exhaled the intoxicating perfumes of love and pride.

"For a pet," someone else whispered in Yukito's ear. "The love and pride for a mere pet."

Focusing on the sense of that aura, on the exquisite shape of the gem, Yukito blinked. Then giggled. Who was that silly person whispering nonsense to him? That strong, caring presence didn't talk of pets, but of unshakeable pride for his son, and unconditional love for his number one.

Immediately a wave of sorrow and guilt swallowed his laughter. Yukito felt bad for laughing, and felt even worse for having betrayed the one who had given him that gem -- although he couldn't quite remember what he had done to betray him. He had... thrown the gem away? Why?

But no no no no, To-ya was breaking the kiss, going away, letting him go, don't leave me! Yukito enclosed his wings around the taller boy, kissing him as if his life depended on that. He would retrieve the gem later, he knew he could, and maybe that strong aura wouldn't be so disappointed in him. But later, please? Because soon To-ya would recover his senses and leave, and Yukito feared he would never have the courage to face him again after this.

Or not so soon maybe? To-ya didn't seem any more willing to recover his senses right now, as he dived into their embrace even more resolutely than before, paying no attention to minor things such as gravity and other laws of physics . Yukito dimly thought about using those unexpected wings of his to better support his friend's legs, and was surprised when the giant appendages actually obeyed his impulse.

The longer feathers brushed on something. A plushy spherical object... To-ya was half sitting on it. The image of a pink striped balloon with petite wings and a playful spirit formed in the back of his mind, evoking from him both relief and abashment. Relief because it was a guarantee that To-ya wouldn't fall and get hurt. Abashment because the frisky balloon could tell the others that he was kissing To-ya, and then he was sure he would never EVER have the guts of facing any of them again...

Huh? Them who?

Okay, so Yukito was losing his senses too. What was the surprise? It should be expected, with To-ya kissing him like... like...

His tongue. To-ya had captured his tongue. And now he was... pulling... sucking... drinking it... thirstily... possessively... Yukito felt his very soul would be swallowed in a more eager gulp, and the prospect seemed nothing but pleasant... To live inside To-ya for all eternity...

Yukito felt his friend's arms squeezing him tighter, closing all the few inches that had been left between their chests. His fingers instinctively clutched to To-ya's blue and white sweater, and he winced at how long he had lethis nails grow... how careless... But he could swear he had cut them two days before!

But this was nothing compared to the length of his hair. As To-ya's hands played softly with it, Yukito gradually realized it was far, FAR longer than... than he could dream of! The tresses slid heavily down his back, coiled around his ankle and didn't stop there! How was he supposed to ride his bike like that? Or play soccer? The fullbacks just had to step on his braid to knock him down...

To-ya liked his hair like that though. It was easy to tell by the way he held each strand so tenderly, so reverently. Oh well, if To-ya liked it, so be it. Maybe he could fasten it up for gym class... with a few hundred pins...

Anything for To-ya.

He relaxed in that loving embrace, forgetting anything that wasn't To-ya's mouth on his, To-ya's fingers in his hair, To-ya's heart beating against his, and the winged golden lion staring at him...

Ahn?

Of course this wasn't surreal enough. The winged golden lion, which wore an impressive armor chiseled with crimson gems, cleared its throat. "Ahem."

And Yukito had somehow seen the animal before actually opening his eyes and turning his head in its direction. Interesting.

To-ya, on the other hand, was so startled he almost fell. If it weren't for those really convenient wings and the relieving and abashing presence of the frisky balloon to hold him safe...

"Don't creep up on me like this!" To-ya yelled angrily at the lion. "You know I can't sense your presence anymore!"

And abruptly, all that was bliss became sorrow and guilt. Yukito wanted nothing but to vanish in a black hole and die.

He had stolen To-ya's light. In his selfish eagerness to survive, he had taken away his best friend's sight, his ability to sense sneaking lions and talk to loving mothers. What a worthless parasite he was, mutilating To-ya's greatest talent, blinding him, binding him to the confining limitations of an ordinary existence.

And what for? Did he matter that much if he lived or not? Who would care for an old piece of useless furniture like him, so easily replaceable with the vainest ruby butterfly? He, who had made Sakura-chan cry...

Someone kissed him goodnight, and the golden lion, the frisky balloon, To-ya's dark blue eyes, and the sunset-lit clouds faded away into solid blackness.

Good. This way it didn't hurt so much.

~*~

Surprisingly, Yukito woke up in his bed. Well, maybe this wouldn't be a surprise for most people, but lately he had found it terribly rare to wake up in his bed, and even more so to wake up in the same place where he had fallen asleep. Probably one of the side effects of not being human, or so he mused.

Actually, he didn't wake up in the same place he had fallen asleep this time either. Last thing he remembered was being with To-ya at their baito in the flower shop. His friend was in a bad mood because Akizuki-san had joined them for lunch in Seijyo High earlier -- and brought delicious rice balls to offer them, yummy yummy! -- and spent the whole meal hugging To-ya... But then how could anyone blame her for that? HE would love to spend hours hugging To-ya...

...and then he thought of Sakura-chan and...

...he woke up in his bed, warm, cozy and...

...happy.

Oishii!

In any event, an undeniable improvement considering the last few weeks, when waking up, no matter where he was, had turned into a lost battle against nausea, hunger and immeasurable fatigue. Thanks to To-ya these days were gone...

...and gone was To-ya's light too...

He opened his eyes and propped up on his elbows, putting some safe distance between his head and his pillow. He had just had a nightmare about the power transference, and he really didn't want to go back to it.

A nightmare...?

Yukito felt his cheeks on fire. Did he dream... had he dared to dream of...?

To-ya.

Kissed.

Him.

That was more than oishii. That was better than finding strawberries in his fruit salad, better than shrimps in the tenpura, better than marshmallows in the hot chocolate, better than gliding on the autumn breeze...

...gliding?

Wasn't it weird? He had wings in that dream. Big heavy wings, and they moved so easily, so naturally, as if he had been born with them. Now that would be cool... He pictured himself flying through the clouds at the burning sunset, sliding down a rainbow and floating down to lie in To-ya's lap, kissing him in a full moon night... Too bad this could only happen in dreams.

Too good that To-ya couldn't read his mind too. Oh dear, if he had a clue of what shameful fantasies his trusted friend's subconscious could come up with, he would never want to see him again, not even covered with gold. Or caramel.

Because even if Sakura-chan was right... even if he was To-ya's number one... that kiss was...

He could never kiss like that. So passionate, so deliberate, so deep and meaningful. So sure of himself. Or at least so sure that he could kiss and not make a complete fool of himself. Yukito was only sure that he would do everything wrong in his first kiss: clash teeth, bit the other's tongue, drool, forget to breathe and choke... And the second kiss wouldn't be much better, neither would the third, and then how much would anyone be willing to wait until he mastered the technique? Would it be easier or harder than mastering the bow and arrow? How long had he taken to do it?

How long, really? He couldn't remember ever taking classes. The first time he had hold a bow in his hands was... ahn...

He sat on the futon, scratching his head. This was so disrespectful. He had completely forgotten the name and the face of his archery sensei. He felt guilty and ungrateful.

That reminded him of the tall, dark silhouette of powerful aura, unnamed and unremembered, who had given him a jewel he had thrown away. Maybe that was the symbolism of the dream! Maybe that mysterious figure hid the semblance of his sensei? But what did that have to do with kissing To-ya?

Or perhaps dreams were just like that, random and unintelligible. Yukito couldn't tell, since he so rarely dreamed. And when he did, he mostly dreamed about food.

Hmmm... speaking of which...

A quick glance to the clock lightened up his humor. It was early, only six-fifteen. So he had time to cook a nice, nourishing, vast, oishii breakfast for himself. He could get some chives and mushrooms from grandma's garden and make sontsu howanyun. For some reason he was just in the perfect mood for Chinese this morning.

But first he should tidy up his futon and sweep the floor of his bedroom. His old eiderdown had been spitting lots of feathers lately; the long snowy plumes were all over the house... If he didn't know better he would start worrying about having a couple of swans hiding somewhere in the house.

Yawning lazily, Yukito put on his glasses and dragged his feet to the bathroom. In the mirror his hair seemed a shade darker, and so short! No, that was ridiculous, it had been almost two months since he last cut it, it was starting to form a thick curtain over his eyes. He should do something about it. Soon his grandparents would be coming home, and since he was a little kid grandpa always chided him whenever he let his hair grow enough to cover his glasses. He even nicknamed him Lhasa Apso, saying that Yukito reminded him of the ashen furry dog he had had in his childhood...

...childhood...

But...

...no.

There was never a childhood. Not for him. Not for his grandfather, who simply never lived at all. No one ever called him Lhasa Apso. No one ever ruffled his hair and smiled proudly at him when he got good grades. No one ever tucked him in bed at night and sang lullabies to him. He alone took care of the garden, and the house, and everything in his life.

And he kept forgetting that, over and over. The room next to his was crowded with clothes nobody had ever worn, a large bed nobody had ever slept on, and souvenirs of trips never made. Twice a week Yukito cleaned that room fastidiously and prepared it to the return of its non-existent inhabitants. Three weeks after learning the truth about his real nature, he still did it.

Why was it so hard?

He washed his face roughly, angry with himself for his feckless memory. How embarrassing... He had told To-ya hundreds of stories about his grandparents, and his friend had always known they were all lies. Thankfully, To-ya was too nice and gentle to laugh at his ignorance.

Sometimes he feared he would wake up and find out that To-ya and Sakura-chan were part of the lies and fraudulent memories, and that their friendship and care was just as unreal as the love of his grandparents. It wasn't something he really wanted to speculate about, but the dark fantasy chased him like a cruel nightmare.

Yukito grabbed a towel but took a moment before drying his front. His wet, heavy eyelashes brought back the images of his dream. He hadn't cried then. He couldn't remember crying, not even once, not even in his fake past. However... the drops running down his cheeks, the eyelids trembling, the faint burning of his eyes... those were distantly familiar... like the kiss... and the guilt.

He shook his head, rubbing his face energetically with the towel. It was so much better when he dreamed about food! From those he always woke up satisfied. Okay, not satisfied; he woke up hungry enough to eat a hippopotamus -- were they edible? --, but also cheerful and with the disposition to hunt a hippopotamus. This awful dream had made him feel so contrite and lonely... Accepting To-ya's powers hadn't been his decision, but his other self's. He, Yukito, would do anything no to hurt To-ya...

...but he would also hunt a thousand hippopotamuses and two thousand rhinos for a kiss from To-ya.

Yukito bit the towel in dismay. Where were those thoughts coming from?!

But it was true, wasn't it? It didn't even have to be a kiss so deep and perfect as the one in the dream. Only a quick clumsy smooch, just to taste his smile. That would be totally, absolutely, utterly oishii.

Giggling at his blushing cheeks in the mirror, Yukito decided to leave the rhinos and hippopotamuses alone, prepare a more sensible breakfast, and wait in the usual spot for Sakura-chan and To-ya, so they could go to school together. Reality was good in its own way, and spending time with those two and see them happy was more than enough for him. Enough to make up for the loss of his never-existent family, enough to make him feel like To-ya's number one.

Dreams like that one were thrilling but too depressing, and he could live perfectly well without them.

~*~

October 30th, 2001

Author's Notes:
-- I warned you, this doesn't make much sense if you didn't read "A Guardian's Heart" first.
-- Touya's eyes are brown in the anime and blue in the manga. Both sets are lovely and intense, and I only chose the blue one for practicality. Yuki has brown eyes too, so it'd be confusing. My deepest apologies to Seeress for that.
-- The marshmallows in the hot chocolate are for Daga, with many thanks for her help and support.

This story is part of the Clow no Tenshi timeline.